I trained for my marathon in the midst of my darkest days. I was in a place where I had lost myself and become more of a robot than a mother and wife, I hardly felt any passions burning inside me, and sometimes couldn't even feel love from my family and friends. I had faced the reality that I was dealing with all of these feelings and I was now in a place where I was digging my fingernails into the walls of my pit trying to get out.
I felt defeated, alone, and so very disappointed in myself. These weren’t the right feelings to feel but they were the reality of my emotions at the time. I was trying to fight them but it was easier said than done. Then on top of it all, my husband had to move to another state while Kai and I stayed behind for almost 3 months so I could find a new job and pack the house.
When these life events happened, I could have easily given up on training for the race. I decided to challenge myself even though it really wasn’t ideal to train, be the only parent present in the house, and work a full time job. I was feeling so defeated at life in general, decided to hang on to the goal and push through.
When I said that I was now in a place where I was digging my fingernails into the walls of my pit trying to get out, I now see how every mile I ran as I trained and even in the final race was a physical and symbolic act of this desperation. I was determined to come out the darkness. I didn’t quite know how I got there or how to find freedom but I just knew I had too. For the sake of my family, my health, and the confidence in who I truly was.
So race day finally came and it was all built up. Here were the last 13 miles. I had pushed through the difficult circumstance of training just like I had hoped to push through the difficult times I was feeling emotionally. There was an end in sight and I wanted it to mean so much more than crossing a finish line. I wanted breakthrough on the inside, I wanted freedom.
While I ran I spent time listening to worship music and sermons, hoping so bad that I would experience this breakthrough. I remember listening to one message that was about “being better under pressure.” I surely felt the pressure and I remember thinking, “yes! This is it! There’s light in my darkness. There’s reason for all of this. It’s making me better!” But as I thought it and tried to adopt it as truth it was, I just couldn't.
It was the most beautiful run I had ever been on. The scenery was amazing and I felt God’s presence with me the entire time. I remember getting really emotional in the 12th mile. I was getting so close to the finish and for some reason tears welled up in my eyes. At the time I wasn’t sure why. I never doubted that I could make it the entire race without stopping but I think I was beginning to doubt that what I hoped this race to symbolize, it wouldn't. But I pushed through and kicked it in gear to the finish, gripping tight to hope.
Finally, I crossed the finish line to see my amazing husband and son standing there waiting for me and my friends were right around the corner cheering me on at a far. I immediately began to cry. To the outside eye I’m sure it looked like I was crying because of all the support and love I felt, along with the joy of finishing. But why was I really crying? Tears welled in my eyes because despite all the love and support I saw in front of me, I never felt more alone. I felt unsatisfied and selfish and I didn’t feel the breakthrough I was so longing for. I of course didn’t say that to anyone and I put a smile on my face and went on with my day celebrating but since then I have learned so much about what really happened on that 13 mile course and all the miles that led me there.
Ultimately, I know now, I was looking to be filled and affirmed. I was looking for a confirmation that I was going to be okay and I had what it took in me to accomplish it. But really I wasn’t looking for that affirmation in being able to run 13 miles without stopping. I was looking for that affirmation in life. I wanted to know and hear.
Despite your hard time you are going to be a great mom.
God is going to walk this thing out with you.
You are not alone.
You have support.
Your Heavenly Father knows you, and knows your heart.
You are loved for you are not for what you do.
It is okay to fail, failing doesn’t mean termination.
And the list could go on and on.
I was in need of a lot of affirmation and running could have never brought me any of it no matter how many miles I went. But I thought after failing so many times at so many things I really cared about that if I could just achieve one thing it would make it all better.
So I ran the race. 13 miles of hills in the Appalachian Mountains. Clinging to the hope of affirmation and breakthrough, I never stopped. But the truth is I was tormented the entire time. I knew it wasn't working and all I wanted to do was hit my knees and stop.
Looking back now. I wish I would have. I was trying to gain affirmation through something that could never fill me. We serve a God who you don’t have to prove anything to, to be loved, yet here I was trying to prove myself. He fills us and never leaves us no matter how many times we fail and no matter how dark our season. I should have surrendered. I should have hit my knees.
Although I had to learn so much of this the hard way, I am so glad I know now who fills me and who approves me. It’s not the world, my husband, my friends, my ministry, or my child. It is only God and without surrendering to him and allowing him to heal the broken places I can assure you I’d still be running, with every step hoping to feel as if I had achieved freedom. I still love to run and exercise. But now it is just that.
So, why did I cry at the finish line? I was empty, omitting the truth that freedom is freely given because we are oh so loved by an amazing God.
But what do I think I would feel if I ran a race now that I have allowed God to heal and fill me in ways that only he can?
I’d feel overflow.
“May the God of hope fill you with all love and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow…” Romans 15:13
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