When He Throws a Tantrum I'll Throw Open My Arms

Recently I did something to my 2 year old that I immediately found myself feeling bad about. No I didn’t spank him, punish him, take away his toys, or refuse to give him dinner. I hugged him.

What? Why would you feel bad about hugging your son?! I know I thought the same thing and after submitting it to the Lord I got some clarity on the situation...

See when I hugged Kai, it wasn’t because he had done something wonderful or told me he loved me. He was in the middle of a tantrum. It was bedtime and I took his shoes off of his feet. Tired, cranky, and not wanting to go to bed, he got really upset! He wanted his shoes ON! Well, that wasn’t an option so he proceeded to scream and cry. I ignored him, didn’t get upset and just let him have his moment. Unable to recover, he began to scream AT ME, walked over to where I was with his shoe in hand and began to beat the wall. Screaming doesn’t hurt me. Marking my walls with his shoes, that is doing damage. I firmly asked him to stop. He did it again. I firmed my tone even more, he still didn't listen. He hit the wall again. So inevitably, I snatched the shoe from his hand, of course, making him even more upset. But it was my next steps that turned the situation around. I put the shoe up, got down on my knees in front of him, and firmly said “Kai, come here and give me a hug.” He refused and cried to the point of heaving his breath. “Kai, it's okay, come here and give me a hug.” He cried harder but slowly made his way toward me, wrapped his arms around my neck buried his face in my shoulder and slowly began to calm down.

After calming down I pulled back and explained to him that he can not scream at me and he can not hit the walls. He then said “sorry mommy for screaming” and “sorry mommy for hitting the walls”, we hugged again, I told him I loved him, and we went on to get ready for bed with absolutely no problem.

But I felt bad. I felt bad for hugging him. Words like “he has no right to act like that” “he probably thinks it's okay to do that now” “you gave in” were flooding me. But as I turned my eyes to the Lord I saw all those thoughts for what they really were….LIES! So after taking these thoughts captive, here is what I know and here is why I have hugged my son when he has gotten angry and upset and why I will continue to do it.

1. Showing love doesn't mean accepting bad behavior.

It wasn’t okay for Kai to act the way that he did. He was disrespecting me and damaging our home. It’s unallowable. But let’s put that in perspective a little bit. He’s two, he is learning and testing and it is a part of the developmental stage that the Lord has created for us. My thoughts were telling me that giving him a hug affirmed the behavior but my hug didn’t affirm the behavior it affirmed my love for him. Putting his shoes back on his feet and giving him what he wanted would have been affirming the behavior, showing him that screaming and disobeying would get him what he wanted. He still didn’t get what he wanted but from my hug in the midst of his tantrum I see that he didn’t have to learn that lesson absent of feeling affirmation and affection from me.

2. He does have a right to be angry.

Yes, he is only two but we are wrong to think that our little ones are subject to do and feel the way we do. They have little hearts and little minds and when they get hurt or upset, it is big to them. So he wanted his shoes on and as his mother I knew they were best to be off...we don’t sleep with our shoes on. But I didn’t look at him and think that is a ridiculous thing to get upset about. I understood that to him, a toddler, it was breaking his little heart that he couldn’t have his shoes on his feet. As he matures, what hurts him and angers him will change. It will eventually have more common ground with what I think as an adult should grant being upset but right now, we don’t have that common ground. Showing him love is respecting him and by not calling him ridiculous or treating him as if he had no right to his feelings, I comforted him and gave him that respect. I gave him a hug. His actions were not appropriate but his hurt feelings still needed mended.

3. The myth of tough love.

The thoughts about "tough love" that always invade my mind are:. “It makes them independent” “They need to learn how to handle it.” So if I would have used “tough love” I probably would have yanked him up, fought through changing him into pajamas, skipped a book and prayer because he was so worked up, put him in his bed, and left him to recover on his own. Tough love is letting them figure it out on their own. No explanation, no understanding, just “pull up your big boy britches and get over it.” I’ve done this before. But then what? My thoughts are that perhaps the child lays there, feeling alone, confused, and although you love them, feeling unloved. This scenario may influence your child to not repeat the action but it has left them with an emptiness. Hugging Kai, broke down my pride, ended the behavior, left room for bedtime story, prayers, and cuddles and I like to believe he went to sleep that night with a learned lesson and a full heart.

4. I don’t want to put boundaries around my love.

Hugging Kai showed consistency. It showed that no matter what he does or how he is acting he never doesn’t deserve my love. He can have a hug even when he is SCREAMING at me. He may not have seen it then because he is so young but God is showing me that if I continue to have a boundless love for him he will be able to accept a boundless love from Christ and he will be able to give a boundless love to others. If you get in trouble you may lose your toy, your phone, get grounded, etc. but he will never lose my love and affection. That is an unfair consequence.

5. I am for him not against him.

It is not me against Kai. It is me as a mother helping a child to see what are better, safer, more reasonable, Christ-like decisions. If he throws a tantrum and is left at the end of it feeling unloved, still angry, unheard, or disrespected and “I win” I didn’t win at all. Kid’s need all of those things. Like I stated before, he may lose the toy, the want, the reason for throwing the tantrum but he won’t lose my love. It’s not about winning or losing a battle. Hugging him made me feel bad because I felt like I had “lost” but I didn’t lose, and I didn’t “give in” I taught him a lesson, I did not accept unacceptable behavior, and I left him knowing that I love him no matter what.

So now, although it may not be the norm, I am okay with my decision to hug my child when he is in complete rebellion of me. And although I’ve given many points for why, there is truly only one major foundational reason, I’m not here to prove who’s boss to Kai, I’m here to prove to him the unconditional love of Christ. Because when I rebel against God, God doesn’t turn his back on me. He lets me have my pity parties but he won't leave me there. He let’s me have my moments of anger but he never turns his back on me. He is there for us, always, with open arms. God doesn’t say “get over it”, he says “I see that you're hurting, let me comfort you.” Are their consequences for our sins? YES, but NOTHING can SEPARATE us from the LOVE of CHRIST! He disciplines us, counsels us, rebukes us, but he never deprives us from His love. My hug was my love. Kai didn’t get away with his actions but he also didn’t get away from a traumatic moment feeling empty.