When He Throws a Tantrum I'll Throw Open My Arms

Recently I did something to my 2 year old that I immediately found myself feeling bad about. No I didn’t spank him, punish him, take away his toys, or refuse to give him dinner. I hugged him.

What? Why would you feel bad about hugging your son?! I know I thought the same thing and after submitting it to the Lord I got some clarity on the situation...

See when I hugged Kai, it wasn’t because he had done something wonderful or told me he loved me. He was in the middle of a tantrum. It was bedtime and I took his shoes off of his feet. Tired, cranky, and not wanting to go to bed, he got really upset! He wanted his shoes ON! Well, that wasn’t an option so he proceeded to scream and cry. I ignored him, didn’t get upset and just let him have his moment. Unable to recover, he began to scream AT ME, walked over to where I was with his shoe in hand and began to beat the wall. Screaming doesn’t hurt me. Marking my walls with his shoes, that is doing damage. I firmly asked him to stop. He did it again. I firmed my tone even more, he still didn't listen. He hit the wall again. So inevitably, I snatched the shoe from his hand, of course, making him even more upset. But it was my next steps that turned the situation around. I put the shoe up, got down on my knees in front of him, and firmly said “Kai, come here and give me a hug.” He refused and cried to the point of heaving his breath. “Kai, it's okay, come here and give me a hug.” He cried harder but slowly made his way toward me, wrapped his arms around my neck buried his face in my shoulder and slowly began to calm down.

After calming down I pulled back and explained to him that he can not scream at me and he can not hit the walls. He then said “sorry mommy for screaming” and “sorry mommy for hitting the walls”, we hugged again, I told him I loved him, and we went on to get ready for bed with absolutely no problem.

But I felt bad. I felt bad for hugging him. Words like “he has no right to act like that” “he probably thinks it's okay to do that now” “you gave in” were flooding me. But as I turned my eyes to the Lord I saw all those thoughts for what they really were….LIES! So after taking these thoughts captive, here is what I know and here is why I have hugged my son when he has gotten angry and upset and why I will continue to do it.

1. Showing love doesn't mean accepting bad behavior.

It wasn’t okay for Kai to act the way that he did. He was disrespecting me and damaging our home. It’s unallowable. But let’s put that in perspective a little bit. He’s two, he is learning and testing and it is a part of the developmental stage that the Lord has created for us. My thoughts were telling me that giving him a hug affirmed the behavior but my hug didn’t affirm the behavior it affirmed my love for him. Putting his shoes back on his feet and giving him what he wanted would have been affirming the behavior, showing him that screaming and disobeying would get him what he wanted. He still didn’t get what he wanted but from my hug in the midst of his tantrum I see that he didn’t have to learn that lesson absent of feeling affirmation and affection from me.

2. He does have a right to be angry.

Yes, he is only two but we are wrong to think that our little ones are subject to do and feel the way we do. They have little hearts and little minds and when they get hurt or upset, it is big to them. So he wanted his shoes on and as his mother I knew they were best to be off...we don’t sleep with our shoes on. But I didn’t look at him and think that is a ridiculous thing to get upset about. I understood that to him, a toddler, it was breaking his little heart that he couldn’t have his shoes on his feet. As he matures, what hurts him and angers him will change. It will eventually have more common ground with what I think as an adult should grant being upset but right now, we don’t have that common ground. Showing him love is respecting him and by not calling him ridiculous or treating him as if he had no right to his feelings, I comforted him and gave him that respect. I gave him a hug. His actions were not appropriate but his hurt feelings still needed mended.

3. The myth of tough love.

The thoughts about "tough love" that always invade my mind are:. “It makes them independent” “They need to learn how to handle it.” So if I would have used “tough love” I probably would have yanked him up, fought through changing him into pajamas, skipped a book and prayer because he was so worked up, put him in his bed, and left him to recover on his own. Tough love is letting them figure it out on their own. No explanation, no understanding, just “pull up your big boy britches and get over it.” I’ve done this before. But then what? My thoughts are that perhaps the child lays there, feeling alone, confused, and although you love them, feeling unloved. This scenario may influence your child to not repeat the action but it has left them with an emptiness. Hugging Kai, broke down my pride, ended the behavior, left room for bedtime story, prayers, and cuddles and I like to believe he went to sleep that night with a learned lesson and a full heart.

4. I don’t want to put boundaries around my love.

Hugging Kai showed consistency. It showed that no matter what he does or how he is acting he never doesn’t deserve my love. He can have a hug even when he is SCREAMING at me. He may not have seen it then because he is so young but God is showing me that if I continue to have a boundless love for him he will be able to accept a boundless love from Christ and he will be able to give a boundless love to others. If you get in trouble you may lose your toy, your phone, get grounded, etc. but he will never lose my love and affection. That is an unfair consequence.

5. I am for him not against him.

It is not me against Kai. It is me as a mother helping a child to see what are better, safer, more reasonable, Christ-like decisions. If he throws a tantrum and is left at the end of it feeling unloved, still angry, unheard, or disrespected and “I win” I didn’t win at all. Kid’s need all of those things. Like I stated before, he may lose the toy, the want, the reason for throwing the tantrum but he won’t lose my love. It’s not about winning or losing a battle. Hugging him made me feel bad because I felt like I had “lost” but I didn’t lose, and I didn’t “give in” I taught him a lesson, I did not accept unacceptable behavior, and I left him knowing that I love him no matter what.

So now, although it may not be the norm, I am okay with my decision to hug my child when he is in complete rebellion of me. And although I’ve given many points for why, there is truly only one major foundational reason, I’m not here to prove who’s boss to Kai, I’m here to prove to him the unconditional love of Christ. Because when I rebel against God, God doesn’t turn his back on me. He lets me have my pity parties but he won't leave me there. He let’s me have my moments of anger but he never turns his back on me. He is there for us, always, with open arms. God doesn’t say “get over it”, he says “I see that you're hurting, let me comfort you.” Are their consequences for our sins? YES, but NOTHING can SEPARATE us from the LOVE of CHRIST! He disciplines us, counsels us, rebukes us, but he never deprives us from His love. My hug was my love. Kai didn’t get away with his actions but he also didn’t get away from a traumatic moment feeling empty.

Why I Cried At The Finish Line

Recently, picture memories from my first and so far only Half-Marathon have been popping up on my social media, reminding me that it had been a year since my race. It’s amazing what all can happen in a year and what a bittersweet memory this event was for me. It was truly such an accomplishment and looking back on the pictures I look proud of what I had achieved and so very blessed by the family and friends to meet me at the finish line. These things were all true but when I saw those pictures again, I didn’t just see the accomplishment and support, I saw struggle and even sickness. I saw what no one else could see.

I trained for my marathon in the midst of my darkest days. I was in a place where I had lost myself and become more of a robot than a mother and wife, I hardly felt any passions burning inside me, and sometimes couldn't even feel love from my family and friends. I had faced the reality that I was dealing with all of these feelings and I was now in a place where I was digging my fingernails into the walls of my pit trying to get out.

I felt defeated, alone, and so very disappointed in myself. These weren’t the right feelings to feel but they were the reality of my emotions at the time. I was trying to fight them but it was easier said than done. Then on top of it all, my husband had to move to another state while Kai and I stayed behind for almost 3 months so I could find a new job and pack the house.

When these life events happened, I could have easily given up on training for the race. I decided to challenge myself even though it really wasn’t ideal to train, be the only parent present in the house, and work a full time job. I was feeling so defeated at life in general, decided to hang on to the goal and push through.

When I said that I was now in a place where I was digging my fingernails into the walls of my pit trying to get out, I now see how every mile I ran as I trained and even in the final race was a physical and symbolic act of this desperation.  I was determined to come out the darkness. I didn’t quite know how I got there or how to find freedom but I just knew I had too. For the sake of my family, my health, and the confidence in who I truly was.

So race day finally came and it was all built up. Here were the last 13 miles. I had pushed through the difficult circumstance of training just like I had hoped to push through the difficult times I was feeling emotionally. There was an end in sight and I wanted it to mean so much more than crossing a finish line. I wanted breakthrough on the inside, I wanted freedom.

While I ran I spent time listening to worship music and sermons, hoping so bad that I would experience this breakthrough. I remember listening to one message that was about “being better under pressure.” I surely felt the pressure and I remember thinking, “yes! This is it! There’s light in my darkness. There’s reason for all of this. It’s making me better!” But as I thought it and tried to adopt it as truth it was, I just couldn't.

It was the most beautiful run I had ever been on. The scenery was amazing and I felt God’s presence with me the entire time. I remember getting really emotional in the 12th mile. I was getting so close to the finish and for some reason tears welled up in my eyes. At the time I wasn’t sure why. I never doubted that I could make it the entire race without stopping but I think I was beginning to doubt that what I hoped this race to symbolize, it wouldn't. But I pushed through and kicked it in gear to the finish, gripping tight to hope.

Finally, I crossed the finish line to see my amazing husband and son standing there waiting for me and my friends were right around the corner cheering me on at a far. I immediately began to cry. To the outside eye I’m sure it looked like I was crying because of all the support and love I felt, along with the joy of finishing. But why was I really crying? Tears welled in my eyes because despite all the love and support I saw in front of me, I never felt more alone. I felt unsatisfied and selfish and I didn’t feel the breakthrough I was so longing for. I of course didn’t say that to anyone and I put a smile on my face and went on with my day celebrating but since then I have learned so much about what really happened on that 13 mile course and all the miles that led me there.

Ultimately, I know now, I was looking to be filled and affirmed. I was looking for a confirmation that I was going to be okay and I had what it took in me to accomplish it. But really I wasn’t looking for that affirmation in being able to run 13 miles without stopping. I was looking for that affirmation in life. I wanted to know and hear.

Despite your hard time you are going to be a great mom.

God is going to walk this thing out with you.

You are not alone.

You have support.

Your Heavenly Father knows you, and knows your heart.

You are loved for you are not for what you do.

It is okay to fail, failing doesn’t mean termination.

And the list could go on and on.

I was in need of a lot of affirmation and running could have never brought me any of it no matter how many miles I went. But I thought after failing so many times at so many things I really cared about that if I could just achieve one thing it would make it all better.

So I ran the race. 13 miles of hills in the Appalachian Mountains. Clinging to the hope of affirmation and breakthrough, I never stopped. But the truth is I was tormented the entire time. I knew it wasn't working and all I wanted to do was hit my knees and stop.

Looking back now. I wish I would have. I was trying to gain affirmation through something that could never fill me. We serve a God who you don’t have to prove anything to, to be loved, yet here I was trying to prove myself. He fills us and never leaves us no matter how many times we fail and no matter how dark our season. I should have surrendered. I should have hit my knees.

Although I had to learn so much of this the hard way, I am so glad I know now who fills me and who approves me. It’s not the world, my husband, my friends, my ministry, or my child. It is only God and without surrendering to him and allowing him to heal the broken places I can assure you I’d still be running, with every step hoping to feel as if I had achieved freedom. I still love to run and exercise. But now it is just that.

So, why did I cry at the finish line? I was empty, omitting the truth that freedom is freely given because we are oh so loved by an amazing God. 

But what do I think I would feel if I ran a race now that I have allowed God to heal and fill me in ways that only he can?

I’d feel overflow.

“May the God of hope fill you with all love and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow…” Romans 15:13