How To Help Your Husband Help You

Okay ladies...this one’s for you.

Our husbands, they’re our everything right? They’re our strength, our joy, our companions, the half that makes us whole. Marriage is truly the greatest blessing. It is love in it’s rawest form. It’s the choice to spend your life with someone, promising to love them forever, and the unbelievable reality that they too made that same choice for you. It’s the closest picture we get to how Christ longs to be in relationship with us. I get to experience God’s love through my husband and I get to show him God’s love through me in return. To me there is nothing sweeter.

If you know Nic and I you know that we are literally best friends. I can’t tell you how many girls nights he’s crashed just because if he is free (which in the world of a coach can be seldom) we’d simply would just rather be together. Every experience, activity, etc. I’d rather do with him than anyone else. And to my best friends reading this post, don’t hate me for saying this, but there have been times when I have been with my friends doing something awesome and all I can really think about is how it’d be so much better if Nic were there.

He just truly is my best friend. And I feel so blessed that I was given the gift of sharing life with him. But this doesn’t mean that it is always rainbows and butterflies in our relationship. Because of the reality that we have become one in marriage, his struggles become mine and mine become his. We both have weaknesses and we both have strengths. We are both two imperfect humans trying our best to overcome the challenges of this world without turning on each other in the meantime. I don’t do everything right and neither does he.

So, here we go. What do we do when our husband, our best friend, our knight in shining armor just can’t seem to get it right? You’re going through a hard time and all you can think is “does he even notice?” You’re upset and the thoughts “does he even care?” flood your mind. You’ve been so swamped at work, does he know you need pampered? Knee deep in diapers and lunch boxes, maybe a massage would be nice? Doesn’t he know I don’t even like flowers? Doesn’t he know that I’m hurting? Doesn’t he know I just need time with my friends? Doesn’t he know I miss my family? Doesn’t he see that he hasn’t planned a date night in awhile? That I’m always planning them, does he even think about me during the day?

I’m not too proud to say that I have thought many of these same things about my amazing husband. I love him and I would rather be with no one else in the entire world but there are still times when I feel so alone. Sure, a lot of this has to do with my own heart issues and I have no problem owning that but he can still help me in my weaknesses. So the biggest thing I have learned about my relationship with Nic over the last year and all my struggles is…

I have to help him help me.

That’s right ladies, you have to help your husband help you!

Number One: He is not a mind reader!

As they say way to often in my new home state of South Carolina to cover up something less than desirable... “bless ‘em.” Because God knows our men try but they don’t always seem to get it right do they? I had to learn this the hard way. I came to a place of desperate measures. A place that was scary, dark, and lost and I needed support. I needed Nic to encourage me, love me, walk with me, believe in me, and be strong for me. It was a lot to put on him and even now one of my hardest things to cope with over my tough season was the fact that my poor love had to watch me go through it. He had to see the one he loved the most, completely lost. That’s tough. But here’s the thing, our husbands don’t always know what we need. And we want them to know us like the back of our hand, finish our sentences, and have the answer to all our problems. But it’s important that you realize, that’s not their job. In the bible David didn’t cry out to his wives and say “Search me oh wives and know my heart.” He cried out to God. There is only one person that can truly understand us in and out and that is our creator. He knows what makes us tick, what our passions burn for, what would minister to our souls, refresh us and make us feel better. Through experience our husbands gain some of this information but it is not something that they supernaturally are capable of doing. So first things first...how can you help your husband help you??

You communicate.

Ladies, you have to tell them what’s going on. They don’t know how you’re feeling if you don’t tell them and if they don’t know how you are feeling they don’t know how to help you. And guess what?! Sometimes even if they know how your feeling, they still don’t know how to help you! And you have to tell them that too. I could tell my husband I am feeling lonely but he doesn’t know from there if that means I need time with him, a girl’s night, time with my family, get out of the house, or whatever. Honest and open conversation is key. We must put an end to expecting them to just get it right and to be the one to know our every need and solve all our problems. Only the Lord knows that completely.

Number two: Your husband is not a licensed therapist.

He may not know how to respond to you when you pour out your feelings to him. He may not understand the power of active listening. He may not be skilled in understanding “person and environment” and helping you set goals to overcome your strongholds. If you need him to just listen, ask him (kindly of course). If you need his advice, ask him for it. But if you need more help...go get it somewhere else. We too often put too much weight on our men. No doubt, they are strong and they serve so much as our strength when we are weak. But you have to ask yourself if you are expecting too much out of him. What can he support you in and what can only God give you? What can he walk you through and when do you need to seek other counsel?

And when you catch yourself wondering if they even think of you throughout the day...stop. He does. He loves you. And he chases his calling because of you. You just have to understand, they need help. We are natural nurturers. We see needs and we comfort and fix them. Men are natural providers. And that sometimes looks to them a totally different way than it looks to you. They are focused on providing for your family and making life easy and you are wishing he would provide for your heart and your voids. And the good news is, he can. But you have to help him understand how.

The moment I realized this and started coaching Nic through open and honest conversation in how he could help me was when I really began to see my heart fill, my body rest, and my mind settle. He had no problem helping me, I was not a burden to him, but he just needed to know how and I surely wasted too much time allowing resentment and hurt grow as I patiently waited for him to figure it out on his own.