When We Don't Know Why

Last week I had a doctor’s appointment. It was one I was eager for yet nervous for. I was searching for answers but at the same time fighting fear that I would receive an answer I wouldn’t like. So there I sat, in an unfamiliar huge hospital, waiting my turn to see the...infertility specialist. That’s right, baby number two isn’t coming as easy. Thankfully, by revelation, I refused to embrace the fear. Don’t get me wrong thoughts of wondering if I could have kids again or not would run through my mind but I refused to let them stay there. They would come and I would have to quickly acknowledge that my God is a healer and nothing is too big for him.

This came easier for me because a couple weeks ago I was convicted of putting God in a box. During the worship service at church I found myself constantly wishing for an alter call. Hoping and imagining that the Pastor would hear a word from the Lord to pray for women having a hard time conceiving. But as I spent time imagining and hoping for this during the service...the Lord spoke to my spirit, “Who said you needed an altar call for my healing?” He was so right. Right then I decided to declare by faith that I was immediately healed and my body would start functioning as the Lord created it too.

So although I was nervous as I sat in the waiting room, my spirit was faithful.

I was called back and I was pleased to find that the doctor was extremely knowledgeable about what he was looking for, he was kind, he paid attention, he listened, remembered details, and was extremely positive. I went in for an ultrasound and had blood drawn so he could verify the answers to his questions.

Good News everyone! God is good and (sorry for all the men who may be reading this) I have plenty of eggs! Hormone deficiencies had caused my body not to function as it should and was not providing the security my body needed to ovulate (sorry again, I’m trying really hard to be as bland as possible lol).

I was extremely excited about the eggs because Premature Menopause had been tossed around more than I enjoyed hearing and this fact completely ruled it out. But I still couldn’t understand WHY my body wasn’t producing estrogen and progesterone like it should.

So inevitably, I asked…and to my question he responded, “I can't tell you why and I can't tell you why your body produced them before and now isn’t. Sorry.”

Well that wasn’t much of an answer from my super knowledgable and so far awesome doctor! How could he not know why? And what do I do now that I don’t know why either?

We all have our version of this right?! 

Why didn’t I get that job? Why did my loved one pass away? Why is “this” happening to me?

Knowing “why” can give us understanding and knowledge. It can help us prevent bad things from happening again and it can help us recreate good things. But we aren’t always privileged with this information, so what is really going on when we don’t know why?

Commonly we end up stressing and obsessing over this little but oh so big question. Thinking that if we just knew the answer to it, it would make all the difference. But what if we don’t know why because we don’t need to know why? What would happen if we could just trust that if we needed to know the details of how we or someone we loved arrived at a certain situation then we would. I've found when we don’t have these answers, the question “why” proves to be a distraction to the things that really matter. If I obsessed over continuing to find the reason to my bodies mis-function I would end up searching for the answers in other things. Instead of trusting the Lord or my Doctor, I would talk about it constantly and allow foolish people to speak to things in my life that they don’t know anything about. I could also feel so insecure over the fact that I don’t have an answer that I would start blaming others or myself for the problems. I could approach the discomfort of not knowing why in these ways or I could access my faith and know that it doesn't really matter "why" but it does matter that God can. The difference of speaking faith or doubt.

So I don’t know why my body has stopped functioning the way it should but I do know…

God can heal.

God has placed me under the care of a knowledgeable and caring doctor.

God will turn this around.

This season of infertility is not of God but it can and will be used by God.

God is my protector

God has already gone before me.

This situation reminds me of the book of Job. He went through trial after trial, sickness after sickness, questioning why. But when he finally gave up and shifted his eyes to the Lord he said, “I know you can do ALL things. No purpose of yours can be thwarted.”

Job turned to God, then he forgave those who spoke foolishness to him, and he released the blame.

God then said, “ After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.” “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.”

So guess what, you may not know why you lost your job, lost the love of your life, why your friend has cancer. And I don't know why my body decided to not work as it was suppose to and having another baby has been delayed because of it. But if we don't know why it’s only because at this point we don’t need the answer. But we do need to know and acknowledge that God can do all things. And the days ahead of us will be better than the latter no matter what we've had to walk through and know matter what the reason was.

So although I am curious of “why” in my own situation, I am choosing to focus on being confident of “when”. Because God is big enough and loves me enough to do the impossible if I let Him. I declared my faith weeks before that restoration would take place in my body and as far as I can see, that process has begun! I hope you can find freedom from this question in you're own life this week, don't let it distract you from the truth of all the good God is doing.