"Pretty, Mommy, Pretty!"

You definitely don’t have to be a mom of a toddler to understand and believe that the experience of being around them is completely eye opening. We all get a glimpse of their glory in restaurants, grocery stores, in our own homes, and the homes of our friends and families. They are so awe-inspiring by the things that they can understand and do despite their little size yet they are also so unpredictable as they can decide at any moment to disagree and throw a fit. Now that my very own toddler can communicate, it is so interesting to me to see how he reacts to things. What he asks for...or the demands he makes. Half the time I wonder to myself, “Where in the world did you get that from?” Most of the time what he verbalizes is sweet and so cute but not all things are as endearing, especially when he get’s on his favorite kick of “Stop it Mommy, Stop it!!”  

But recently I was so ministered to by his insight. He learns new words daily and the day he learned to use the word “pretty” was a day that he would teach me, from his precious child-like heart, one of what I'm sure will be many lessons.

“Pretty”... a word that the dictionary says is permissible to use when something is pleasing. And I think it’s fair to say our world and society has surely had their hand in what our eyes see as pleasing. The perfect figure, the perfect job, the perfect house, or the perfect little family. Another way this word is defined is, “to have conventionally accepted elements of beauty.”

“Conventionally accepted”? ….wow...even Webster got it right in pointing out that, we call things pretty by what we perceive or by what the norm perceives as beautiful.

Pretty is only an admissible label for the things that we determine to contain beauty.

So what has my 2 year old son determined to be beautiful? Where was he seeing elements of beauty that made him cry out and proclaim that it was pretty? For days and days upon learning this word he would be quietly playing and before I knew it he would be calling for my attention, pointing to something with pure excitement, screaming “pretty, mommy, pretty!!”

What he called pretty touched me so much that I decided to start taking pictures of them.

So what do you think? Not really what you would call pretty, huh? It was so interesting to me to see him point to stickers he strategically placed on the refrigerator or how he lined up his toys exactly how he wanted them would cause need for the word pretty. He wasn’t pointing to flowers, fancy cars, shiny diamonds, or even me for that matter. lol.

He found beauty in what he was proud of! He didn’t think the stickers looked good. He didn't think his toys were cute. He thought that the way he had placed them, the work he had done, the final product of his arrangement, that was beautiful...that to him was worth calling pretty.

So why do I even care about what Kai thinks is pretty? A part of being fearless for Christ is understanding that we can have His Kingdom here on earth. It is knowing that life isn’t as it seems and that we belong to a different system than the world. I long to live with access to God’s Kingdom on earth and in Matthew 18:3 He says, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like the little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven."

Sometimes the view of the child is the right view. And when I saw Kai only use the word pretty as he stepped back and looked at something he'd created it reminded me so much of our awesome God. Going all the way back to Genesis, after everything the Lord created, He acted just like Kai. He stepped back, He looked at it, and said, "it is good". In Ecclesiastes 3:11 the bible says that the Lord has made everything beautiful in it's time. It takes time to make something beautiful, it takes work, it takes effort. But then the Lord also proclaims what beauty is in Song of Solomon when scripture says, "you are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flow in you."

Those stickers and those toys were exactly how Kai wanted them and he was proud that he accomplished making it that way. So as the creator of his sticker patterns or toy arrangements he stamped them with the label pretty.

And here we stand, women and men, looking in the mirror and rarely using the word pretty. We see what we believe are flaws that work against our worthiness of being called pretty, we see what can be worked on, what can be changed, and what doesn't compare to others. We see what the world has told us should be appealing to our eyes. But the truth is that perspective is so far skewed from what God calls appealing.

What if when we looked in the mirror we looked with the eyes of a child. What if we saw what was worthy to be proud of. A woman who has made a baby. A man who has worked hard for his dreams. An overcomer of disease. A person free from sin. Someone who is fighting for their dreams. Someone who still wears the dirt from being kicked down but they didn't stay in the mud. What if we saw a creation of God??

Look at yourself and see what you should be proud of. Because those things are beautiful. It's not just about how you look. God said that you are ALTOGETHER beautiful. Your heart, your mind, your drive, your will, your purpose, your compassion, your strength, your friendship, your accomplishments. These are all things in which you have worked for. All things in which make up who you are. Don't discount them when you go to stamp a label on yourself. See that the Lord has made a beautiful masterpiece. Intertwined with things the world may label good or bad but that God says is altogether beautiful. He has created you exactly the way He had planned. And when He looks at you He steps back and with a sigh of awe says "it is good."

We all know when we feel pretty is when we feel most confident. If I know I look pretty I move through a room with a grace that I wouldn't have if I was carrying embarrassment or shame. I glow with a sparkle that doesn't come when I am disappointed or lacking confidence.

No matter what the world says, to the conventional ways of God's kingdom you withhold elements of beauty. And you my friend, are worthy to be called pretty.

Oh My Sweet Kai...

I'ts Kai's Birthday! I decided this year to write him a letter. I want to share it with you because this is what I truly believe when I think about my son. I believe there are so many underlying and hard lessons of motherhood between the lines of these words. So although mommyhood frustration can stand in the way of my actions or the busyness of life can take my focus, this is my true heart for my son and being his mom. 

I hope it blesses him one day to hear these words....

Oh my sweet Kai,

Happy 2nd Birthday Bear! You, even in just these short 2 years, have fulfilled so much joy in our family. You, my son, are wild in the greatest way but sweet with the perfect measure of tenderness. You are truly my buddy. What I would normally find myself tackling alone while Daddy is working, I now tackle with you by my side and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

When I look at you, even now at just 2 years old, I see purpose and as your mother I strive as to honor and respect the person the Lord has created you to be. I recognize that through the everyday tasks, chores, and errands I carry with me not just a little body but but a little body full of a divine and eternal purpose. There are gifts inside of you and I know you will be the answer to someone else's healing, blessing, prayers, recovery, and discovery of God’s truth. I pray every night with you and for you that your gifts are being nourished. And Daddy and I constantly pray that we would be given the wisdom to help you be encouraged in your dreams.

Kai, you are not who your Dad and I create you to be. You are who God has created you to be and everyday I look forward to getting to know you. To know what makes you laugh, to know your sense of humor, to know what is comforting to you, to know what you see as support, to know how you love and how you receive love, to know what makes your eyes sparkle and your passion burst in flames, to know what you’re compassionate for, to know what your dreams are…to simply know the masterpiece that God has called YOU.

Lord knows I haven't been the perfect mommy the last couple of years but the truth is, I never will be. But know that even though I may not be perfect doesn’t mean I don’t commit to reach for it daily. Christ calls us to strive for perfection in Him and that is my commitment to you. And I pray that in the times I fail, you will know to lean on your perfect Heavenly Father. And when I try again, you’ll see that you should never give up and for when I actually get it right you will be confident that no mistake can ever define you. You deserve the mom that God created me to me and I commit to everyday learning more about Christ so that I can learn more about how to love you the way you need it.

I wish I could save you from ever having trails but I know that I can't but I do hope to paint a picture for you that no matter what trail comes our way we serve a good God who will always bring us through.

I love you Kai Isaiah. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love your handsome curls that I can't bear to cut. I love the wild look you get in your eyes sometimes. I love your soft, sweet voice. I love your balance of tenderness and toughness. I even love your attitude. I love the way your eyes light up when you see your daddy and the way you love him. I love your love/hate relationship with piper. And I love so much how excited you get over something you’ve made that you're proud of.

You are a true gift to me. You have my whole heart and I love you without measure.

Happy Birthday Kai Bear!

Love,

Mommy

The Price is in the Process

We are all guilty of making “if...then” statements, aren’t we?! There always has to be an answer to achieving our dreams or a reason for our problems. And the dreamer or the complainer in us all will make a comfortable home for these infamous answers in between the words, “if” and “then.” “If I can just make more money, then I can not worry about this.” “If I can just get married, then I won’t struggle with this.” “If I could just get a new job, then I would be happier.”

Looking at if’s is not a bad thing. Like I said, for the dreamer in us, it can help us imagine all the big things that can happen for us. You can get you a new job, a spouse, more financial provision, etc. But it's so important to remember that your healing is not in the presence of things. We expect that when we can gain a worldly gift or opportunity that it will change things for us. In some instances it can, in others, it may not. You could win the lottery but still be depressed. You could find a husband but still feel alone.

We spend a lot of time imagining the joys that the end result of something we are hoping for will bring. We imagine that once you reach a certain destination or receive a certain blessing that you will then gain freedom from certain struggles. But focusing on an imaginatory gain doesn’t prepare us to get to that destination. I wish it was as easy as the show “I dream of Jeannie” and I could just do a little head nod with my arms crossed and be where I want to be and have what I want to have but it doesn’t work that way for us. The truth is, we don’t know what will bring our breakthrough or blessing, so we can’t just sit around waiting for our “if” to happen. We have to start our journey to getting it from where we currently are in life. And when we can commit to the process of getting to our desired places, when we reach it, we will have worked out so many of our issues, hurts, pains, insecurities, etc. in the bumps and curves of the journey that we will be prepared to receive all that is for us.

There is a price to the process. It cost something to change. And that’s what so many of us are hoping for right? Some sort of change. There are very few of us that feel as if we have arrived. Most of us have dreams and goals that are still unreached. And when you look at another person and think they have it all, remember that just like you, they feel like they have yet to achieve all that they want in this life.

But the good new is, change is possible, but it isn’t just going to happen. Just like before you head out of town on a trip you have to do things in order to prepare to arrive at your destination. You have to fill your gas tank, you have to map out the route, you have to make sure your oil is changed, and you are prepared for everything to get you there.

I heard a pastor say one time that you can not pay for change but the price you pay is in the process that leads to change.

So by the time we experience a change in our life it is by a price that we have been paying for days, months, years in advance. If we don’t count the cost of where we want to go then we will be thrown off course every time our tire blows or the gas tank needs to be refilled. We’ll be disappointed every time we put our hope in a worldly blessing just to find out it can’t fulfill us like God’s love can.

When it comes time to pay for our process sometimes we will feel the weight of the price and want to quit the journey or maybe never even begin. But when we have already come to terms with what the change will cost then we don’t grow weary in the challenges.

So where are you hoping your future will take you. Do you want that new job? Do you want to lose that 10 pounds? Do you want to overcome depression? Do you want better friends? Do you want to spend more time with your family?

Once you have imagined the change, don’t put all your effort into the hope it could bring you. Start counting the cost. What price will you have to pay to gain new friendships? Will you have to go to church alone? Will you have to join a life group and endure the awkwardness of being the new girl? Will you have to give up something in order to spend time with your family? Will you have to go to the gym more than once a week or give up your white mocha latte’s?

Change is ahead of you but it doesn’t come without a price. You must imagine, commit, adjust your plan on how to arrive there not just on what you think you will receive once you get there. Trust in the Lord’s provision, and keep moving forward even when challenges come your way. You must believe that the payment will be worth it. Use your “if, then” statements to motivate you to take a step forward instead of using it as a crutch to avoid committing to the journey. If you’re going to reach your destiny, if you're going to reach your freedom, THEN what is it going to cost you? Pay the price willingly and you will surely reap all the benefits.

When We Don't Know Why

Last week I had a doctor’s appointment. It was one I was eager for yet nervous for. I was searching for answers but at the same time fighting fear that I would receive an answer I wouldn’t like. So there I sat, in an unfamiliar huge hospital, waiting my turn to see the...infertility specialist. That’s right, baby number two isn’t coming as easy. Thankfully, by revelation, I refused to embrace the fear. Don’t get me wrong thoughts of wondering if I could have kids again or not would run through my mind but I refused to let them stay there. They would come and I would have to quickly acknowledge that my God is a healer and nothing is too big for him.

This came easier for me because a couple weeks ago I was convicted of putting God in a box. During the worship service at church I found myself constantly wishing for an alter call. Hoping and imagining that the Pastor would hear a word from the Lord to pray for women having a hard time conceiving. But as I spent time imagining and hoping for this during the service...the Lord spoke to my spirit, “Who said you needed an altar call for my healing?” He was so right. Right then I decided to declare by faith that I was immediately healed and my body would start functioning as the Lord created it too.

So although I was nervous as I sat in the waiting room, my spirit was faithful.

I was called back and I was pleased to find that the doctor was extremely knowledgeable about what he was looking for, he was kind, he paid attention, he listened, remembered details, and was extremely positive. I went in for an ultrasound and had blood drawn so he could verify the answers to his questions.

Good News everyone! God is good and (sorry for all the men who may be reading this) I have plenty of eggs! Hormone deficiencies had caused my body not to function as it should and was not providing the security my body needed to ovulate (sorry again, I’m trying really hard to be as bland as possible lol).

I was extremely excited about the eggs because Premature Menopause had been tossed around more than I enjoyed hearing and this fact completely ruled it out. But I still couldn’t understand WHY my body wasn’t producing estrogen and progesterone like it should.

So inevitably, I asked…and to my question he responded, “I can't tell you why and I can't tell you why your body produced them before and now isn’t. Sorry.”

Well that wasn’t much of an answer from my super knowledgable and so far awesome doctor! How could he not know why? And what do I do now that I don’t know why either?

We all have our version of this right?! 

Why didn’t I get that job? Why did my loved one pass away? Why is “this” happening to me?

Knowing “why” can give us understanding and knowledge. It can help us prevent bad things from happening again and it can help us recreate good things. But we aren’t always privileged with this information, so what is really going on when we don’t know why?

Commonly we end up stressing and obsessing over this little but oh so big question. Thinking that if we just knew the answer to it, it would make all the difference. But what if we don’t know why because we don’t need to know why? What would happen if we could just trust that if we needed to know the details of how we or someone we loved arrived at a certain situation then we would. I've found when we don’t have these answers, the question “why” proves to be a distraction to the things that really matter. If I obsessed over continuing to find the reason to my bodies mis-function I would end up searching for the answers in other things. Instead of trusting the Lord or my Doctor, I would talk about it constantly and allow foolish people to speak to things in my life that they don’t know anything about. I could also feel so insecure over the fact that I don’t have an answer that I would start blaming others or myself for the problems. I could approach the discomfort of not knowing why in these ways or I could access my faith and know that it doesn't really matter "why" but it does matter that God can. The difference of speaking faith or doubt.

So I don’t know why my body has stopped functioning the way it should but I do know…

God can heal.

God has placed me under the care of a knowledgeable and caring doctor.

God will turn this around.

This season of infertility is not of God but it can and will be used by God.

God is my protector

God has already gone before me.

This situation reminds me of the book of Job. He went through trial after trial, sickness after sickness, questioning why. But when he finally gave up and shifted his eyes to the Lord he said, “I know you can do ALL things. No purpose of yours can be thwarted.”

Job turned to God, then he forgave those who spoke foolishness to him, and he released the blame.

God then said, “ After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.” “The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.”

So guess what, you may not know why you lost your job, lost the love of your life, why your friend has cancer. And I don't know why my body decided to not work as it was suppose to and having another baby has been delayed because of it. But if we don't know why it’s only because at this point we don’t need the answer. But we do need to know and acknowledge that God can do all things. And the days ahead of us will be better than the latter no matter what we've had to walk through and know matter what the reason was.

So although I am curious of “why” in my own situation, I am choosing to focus on being confident of “when”. Because God is big enough and loves me enough to do the impossible if I let Him. I declared my faith weeks before that restoration would take place in my body and as far as I can see, that process has begun! I hope you can find freedom from this question in you're own life this week, don't let it distract you from the truth of all the good God is doing.