The Right Questions

I used to have so much anxiety as my day was coming to an end. The closer it got to to my head hitting the pillow the more I felt an internal struggle. Two battles swarmed within me, the readiness for the day to be over and to finally rest, and then the contradicting worry that I hadn’t gotten everything in order that I needed to to have a good day tomorrow. All I wanted was the day to be over so I could rest from its pressures but there was a small gap that I had before the pressures of tomorrow would take their place. Looking back now I can see how it was imperative for me to get into bed during this gap and fall asleep before the second wave came over me. It’s almost humorous as I imagine it now but it was far from it then. I had two extremely heavy and annoying questions hanging over me….

....”Was I successful?!”.... and “Was I prepared to achieve success tomorrow?”

Anytime anxiety reigns in an area in our life we must hold on to the truth that we don’t need to, and don’t have to, be bound by it. Overcoming this anxiety came down to two different questions for me and I hopeful that this can help you too.

What have I put my faith in?

Who is in control?

I had to redefine what I considered to be success and I had to redefine how I got to that success. Like I said before in the “Righteous Robot” post I wrote awhile back. I was doing good things, things to provide support for my family, and insure that I was living a healthy life. But I came to learn the hard way that I was putting too much weight on these things. They were all good, they were all meant to provide “success”, but my perspective of success and how to achieve it was off.

I  was using a strict schedule and routine to dictate the security of well-being for me and my family. I was relying on my routine more than I was relying on God. I was giving all the glory to my schedule instead of the Lord. I ultimately had began to “lean on my own understanding.” The very systems I put in place to help me, ended up tearing me down. And before I knew it I was stressing out as my day came to an end because the reality was that I couldn’t put my trust in my structures. I tried but they couldn’t provide me the feeling of security I was searching for. I was on shaky ground and I found myself counting myself successful or not at the close of my day by answering questions like, “did I eat right today?” “did I exercise?” “did I pack Kai’s lunch?” “did I read?” “did I journal?” “did I stay focused at work?”

Like I said, all these things are great and they do lead to healthiness and success but they are not the end all be all. They weren't worthy of my faith and they weren’t worthy of determining my identity. I should have been ending my day asking myself... “Did I thank God today?” “Did I love today?” “Did I forgive when needed?” “Did I rejoice in Christ under all circumstances?” “Did I trust Him?”

So what are you putting your faith in? Are you putting your faith of feeling whole and fulfilled in your new year's resolutions? In your routines or schedules? Your relationships? Our faith must be in God, in the promises He has given to us, in the fact that He is all knowing and is our provider. Don’t wait until you are struggling with a bigger battle of fear and insecurity due to putting your faith in faulty structures.. Recognize it now before it sets you off course.

Take some much needed time to self reflect this week. Are you self managing your life? Are you putting systems in place to guarantee your success and then putting your faith in your systems? For instance, workout plans, eating plans, need for certain people or relationships, success in your job. These are all things in our lives that are not normally toxic to us. But because they aren't toxic means we are more likely to feel comfortably leaning on these things and our awareness needs to be spiked in these areas. Be Careful if you catch yourself having thoughts of …. “If I can just work out I’ll be okay.” “If I can just eat right I’d be happier.” (I am so guilty of these even today!) or “If I can just keep being successful in my profession everything’s going to turn out right.”

It’s time to let go, breath, and believe that you serve a mighty God who will lead you, provide for you, catch you, and cover you. Letting go is hard. In fact, it makes me sick to my stomach when I’m faced with this option. But as soon as you do you will be met with the overflowing peace of God and from a person who has experienced anxiety to the point of attacks and complete breakdowns I can tell you, the nauseousness of losing control is worth finding yourself under God’s security.

So now’s the day to start asking yourself the right questions…

Who’s really in control of your life?

What are you really putting your faith in?

Nearly Swamped

One of my favorite things is to be able to look at a previous season of life, especially the ones that were hard or lonely, and see how God was there the entire time. I wish that I could more frequently recognize Him in the moment instead of in my rearview mirror. I did this recently as I compared our family’s finances from this January to last. I had a sweet reminder of how good God is and how he has provided for us. This time last year, while Nic was in graduate school, we were pulling thousands of dollars from savings monthly to make ends meet and now, less than a year later, we have two solid incomes and months worth of salary in savings. We are by no means rich in terms of the world but we trusted the Lord and made it through a tough situation, escaping any lasting harm. It’s still so hard to believe we made it through almost a year of pulling from savings the way we did, but God was there, His hand was upon us, and we were provided for.

At almost every point of life, whether small or big, everyone is facing some sort of storm. Each storm comes with it’s own noise and it’s own distractions. We bear through most of them with ease but then there are the ones that take us by surprise. There are the ones what we weren't prepared for and there are the ones that nearly take us out. When we are experiencing the ones like this, I can’t help but be reminded of the disciples in the boat. They were facing a storm and with every squall of the wind and every crash they must have been wondering when they were going to get swallowed by the storm, when would it finally defeat them. Just like every month of that year we pulled from savings, I wondered “When would it run out?” “How long could we make this work?”

In Mark 4:35-41 this is how the scriptures describe their situation in the storm... “A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was NEARLY SWAMPED.”

And I love the idea of the state of being nearly swamped. To me nearly swamped is a time where we get to choose fear or faith. The waves are crashing in and our boat seems as if it is about to sink, we are nearly swamped. So what do we do next?

Well you can't help but love the disciples for giving us so many examples of what NOT to do. The disciples responded in fear even though the presence of Christ was with them the entire time. And by His presence the word “nearly” would forever stay in front of the word “swamped.” In these times of heartache, sickness, loneliness, etc. we must have faith that Christ is in our boat. He is keeping us from drowning. And our situations are doing nothing but threatening to sink us and we can never sink when the Lord is in our boat.

Jesus responded to them and said, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

Imagine Jesus saying that to you today concerning walking through the storms of your life.

To the single woman in her late 20’s, you may be facing the storm of doubt that your husband will ever show up. To the new mom you may be facing the storm of a crazed schedule of taking care of what seems like everything and everyone. To the man who’s yet to find a job that supplies not only financially but is passion fulfilling, your experiencing your own storm as well.

The pressures of the storm are screaming in your face and the water is filling the boat but rest assured that if you’re keeping God in your boat, when you see the water seeping into your life, threatening to drown you, it is just that. A THREAT. The state of being NEARLY swamped is not a time to panic it is a time to exercise our faith.

The disciples approached Jesus as if they were going to drown...they said, “Don’t you care if we drown?” This questions shows that they didn’t believe that His power was with them. But what if we can learn from their mistake. What if when we reach a state of being nearly swamped and we turn to the Lord and say Thank you God that you won’t let me drown.

When your identity is being attacked by the people around you what if you turned to the Lord and said, God I know that “I am wonderfully and fearfully made.” When it doesn’t look like you are able to pay all your bills next month, what if you turned to the Lord and you praised him for how in time of desolation He will always provide. When you feel as if you have lost yourself, instead of asking God why, what if we started praising Him for when. He never said we wouldn’t struggle, He never said there wouldn’t be storms, but He did say that HE is with us and for us.

So the waves may be crashing in, the sounds of the storm may be piercing your heart, and the water may be filling your boat but have faith because nearly swamped is not swamped and God WILL bring you through this. Keep protecting yourself from the debris of the storm so that when it ends you can have a heart open to receive the glory of God for it is His glory that comes at the end of every trial.

Sentenced to Death...

Today I want to paint a picture of taking our thoughts captive and bring some light to the fact that the lies we believe about ourselves and about others actually do matter. The bible says “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7. So our thoughts, even if never spoken, are what directs us to what we become and what we will experience.

God gave us the ability to chose. He is the author but we given the role of director. He is the ultimate judge yet we are the jury. We decide what to do. We decide the right or wrong choices. We decide whether we walk in the truth that gives us life or the lies that bring forth death.

I don’t know about you but I’m fed up with the lies in my life. We all have them and they vary for each of us. A few of mine are that life is too hard, that I don’t have time. that I carry the weight of my struggles, that no one will understand me, that I will fail, and many more.

But today I stand in the courtroom of my life. I am the jury and I put my lies on the stand.

_______________________

I hereby find the lies in my life GUILTY..

Guilty for stealing my joy. Guilty for robbing me every morning of excitement of my day. Guilty for making me feel as if the day will be a fight instead of a blessing. Guilty for keeping me from experiencing the gifts God places for me in people and experiences everyday. Guilty for bringing doubt into my mind when I serve a God who can do the impossible. Guilty for placing pressures on my life when the Lord says to cast our worries on him. Guilty for making me feel alone when there are people in my life that support me and love me everyday. Guilty for clouding my mind when God’s truth says that I will have a sound mind. Guilty for making me feel as if no one understands me when the bible says that I am known by God.

To the lies in my life...You are charged of stealing my blessings, murdering my dreams, vandalizing my body, neglecting my heart, trafficking negativity, starving my relationships, and harassing my mind.

Due to these charges you hereby lose your residence in me. This is your official eviction notice. You must leave. My dreams will be given back their hope. My heart will be given back it’s joy. My relationships will be nourished with love. I will wake up in an atmosphere of rejoicing. My mind will be freed. My blessings will flow to me continuously.

In fact, you are now sentenced to death.

So that I may be filled with the light.

_______________________

What lies do you believe about yourself or about others?

Do you feel alone?

Do you feel as if you can’t succeed?

Do you feel as if you are worthless or without purpose?

Do you feel as if you have no friends or no one gets you?

Do you feel as if you are too big of a mess?

Do you believe you are stuck?

The possible lies we can  believe about ourselves and others could be endless. But just as you wouldn’t let a murderer or a convict live in your home with your family and your most prized possessions and loved ones you shouldn’t let the lies of the enemy reside in your heart, mind, and soul. If they are there, they are undoubtedly hurting you and those around you.

Your dreams and your blessings are dying at the altar of your lies. Your family and friends are suffering because they aren’t able to be endowed with the real, fearless, you. The stranger in the grocery store is missing the blessing they were suppose to receive from you because you believed you didn’t matter or  that they didn’t matter. And you’re missing your own blessing because you believe you’re not worth it.

Whatever your specific lies are in your own life, it’s time to recognize them as criminal and it’s time to value yourself enough to not subject yourself to them. Put them on the stand. Call them out for what they really are, evict them, sentence them to death, and allow God to give back what they have taken from you.

You’re worth it. Write your own eviction letter. Start this year with a no tolerance attitude.

For every lie that gets to live in you is a truth that is held hostage.

My Word for 2016

It's gone. 

My hardest year yet, gone.

I am beyond excited for a new year. I am feeling refreshed and joyful and I love it! Realistically though, I know that some of the same struggles will come with me as I am still working through and allowing God to help me clear out the mess of 2015. 

2015 was a rollercoaster for me. It was paired with the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I experienced depression and hopelessness but I also regained my connection with the Lord. I struggled with addiction but I also learned how to be fulfilled in Christ again. I, at times, became trapped in negativity but I also removed so many stones on my heart as I fought through. My road to freedom began and I have dropped so much unnecessary weight and I have picked up so many tools to help me continue to overcome.

There's no doubt that I was hard on myself in 2015. I shamed and blamed myself for all that I was going through. I held myself to extremely high standards and I fell hard. Although I am walking into a new year and some things are still holding on to me for dear life in hopes that they can still take me out as they originally planned, I am no longer going to be hard on myself. I am just a mother, wife, friend, and many other things to the people I adore and I go through things like everyone else. I am not too big nor too small for any conflict or blessing. I am glad to see 2015 go but like I said, just because the year has changed doesn't always mean our stressors are gone too. So if I can't always immediately change the stressors I can change the way I respond to them. So I have decided that I am going into this year rejoicing.

That's right, I am walking into this year REJOICING. 

This is my word for 2016, inspired through the scripture 1 Peter 4:12-19.

"Dear friend, so not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name."

Last year I was surely surprised. Looking back now I can see how I walked into the year in denial. I never imagined myself going through such a hard time. But in 2016 I refuse to be surprised. even now, I am sitting at my mother in law's house, on her birthday, getting ready to spend the day cleaning out Nic's Nanny's apartment and prepare for her funeral tomorrow. It's sad and it's hard but I am taking these scriptures and I am continuing into this year and I am rejoicing. Though unexpected hard times will arise, I will rejoice.Though some days I will struggle, I will rejoice. Though I still get insecure about falling short, I will rejoice.  Although in 2015 I despised what I was walking through, I am changing the way I look at it. I will rejoice in the face of my struggles this year, the new and the old. 

I will rejoice because my God is good and He is painting the picture of my life for His glory and I am okay with that. He is equipping me to walk through life with all of you and to be able to be an encouragement to HIs sons and daughters. In the past I have seen being a "living sacrifice" as a burden but just like these scriptures say when we participate in hard times while following Christ we will experience being overjoyed and blessed by His glory. I have to trust that the Lord is working things for my good. I will not go through hard times for the sake of abuse but for the sake of glory. And when I reach the place where God's glory shines it will be and always has been greater than the suffering. 

The opposite of rejoicing is grieving, so I can see that what keeps me absent of joy is my grief. To be grieved by the struggles in my life is to allow them to trouble me. When I see this comparison I realize I have two choices I can wake up sad that I don't have a perfect life or I can wake up rejoicing for all that God has done and is doing in my life despite the imperfections. And I see now that if I can wake up everyday and not think to myself "man this is hard" but think to myself "man my God is good" I will open the doors for my healing to go even deeper. Instead of fighting for joy I am believing that in 2016 it will be natural. I will wake up rejoicing.

What is your word for 2016? What do you want to change and hold on to for this next season in your life. It may be the word "peace", it may be "recovery", it may be "deeper", it can be whatever word you chose. But we can not travel in the right way without directions. Define your direction this year. I personally can't wait to see where rejoicing will bring me. 

Happy New Year!I truly believe it is going to be a great one!