In the month of July I took some time off of blog posting to seek the Lord and do a little soul searching. As you may know, in March 2015 I felt like I had hit a rock bottom in my life. Since then I have been on a journey to freedom, fearlessness, and healing. Through the journey I have had so many gains and experienced freedom and healing in so many areas. But now here I was after so much gain and so much time, once again, feeling stuck. It was hard to find my joy. Knowing this is not how the Lord wants any of us to feel, I didn't want to settle but I was struggling to see where I could go from here.
Thankfully, in my time of seeking the Lord for help, I came to an eye opening revelation that I had done the very thing I knew I shouldn’t. I settled. But I had settled in a place I never recognized as a negative, because in fact, it isn’t. And although, it isn't negative, I began to see it was a place that I no longer needed to stay.
I had settled in a season of God’s refuge.
In the bible, God clearly offers himself to us as His refuge and for that I am so thankful. He is a place where we can go to find His protection when we find ourselves in the midst of a disastrous war, whether within us or around us. This escape from our hard times is such a blessing. When I was looking at the history of being a refugee I saw, one was considered a refugee when they had to flee from a place they were dwelling. In most cases, the refugee was caused to flee because staying where they were would lead to imprisonment, persecution, abuse, slavery, etc. Isn’t it ironic, that in hopes to keep us from the fullness that the Lord says we can inherit by His love, these are all things the enemy also tries to accomplish in our lives? I have been here in my own life, feeling enslaved to negative emotions, self doubt and abuse, and needing to run to my Lord in shelter. I am so thankful that God offers himself as refuge to us when we are in the midst of these times.
For me, at the time of my “rock bottom”, I was battling a war within myself. My surrounding looked great and blessed but inside of me I was warring with my identity, my worth, my joy, etc. I was being imprisoned with unGodly shame. But by God’s grace, in the midst of the debris of this war within me, I knew that it was no place for me to dwell. I saw that it was killing me and in turn killing the ones closest to me. So I ran. And I took my promised shelter of refuge in the Lord.
See, that is what refugee’s do, they run, and they hide. The war that they were engulfed in isn’t necessarily conquered, yet, they are simply sheltered from it. We gratefully can take shelter under the wings of the Lord. But sadly when we’re in refuge we are often there in fear. Always wondering when the wars we’re running from, our depression, our sin, our shame, our patterns of failure, will rear its head again. Fear that the threats of the war may catch up with us or fear that our persecutors will find us again. Though there in fear, God is still good, and He still provides His comfort and shelter and it feels good and it feels safe. But isn’t freedom in fear hardly freedom at all?
Other than a life lived in fear, I began to see that staying in a place of refuge, in history, would often come with another huge loss. Refugee’s many times had to take on a false identity to keep themselves safe. Covering their true identity was essential to avoid the turmoil that they once knew from finding them again. And isn’t this is such a far cry from what our CREATOR wants for His masterpieces? He doesn’t want us to dim the lights of our true identity in order to be “free” from our struggles. He wants us to confidently live as the son or daughter He created. And being anything other than this is devastating our spirit. Personally, this is a devastation I had been feeling so strongly. I had overcome so much since March 2015 but was still not feeling completely free.
The word says, “If the Son sets you free, you shall be free INDEED.” So began to realize that the presence of fear still in my life was an indicator that I was not completely free. I had taken the Lord up on being my place of refuge, which was great, but I hadn’t yet let him in with faith to defeat my adversaries....to conquer my war.
Colossians 1:13-14 says, “For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” My sweet readers, we are rescued by His refuge but it doesn’t end there. There is a second part. We must allow God to transfer us, by redemption, into His Kingdom, a place where we can fearlessly live in our true identity. Hiding from our war with the evidence of its filth still covering us (shame, pain, fear, anger, doubt, etc.) is a step short of our victory in the journey to our complete freedom.
But by grace and mercy we do not have to stay in a state of filthy slavery to our painful experiences and our poor choices. The lingering filth from our war can be cleansed from our lives. Our adversaries, even if they are ourselves, have no power to determine our identity. Only the creator does. And no matter what we’ve been through, what we’ve done, or the wars God has had to rescue us from, He offers us the promise of redemption if we choose to accept it.
Redemption is a release paid by ransom. It is a deliverance of slavery. It is not a hiding place. And I can see now I’ve felt stuck because I've still been in hiding. Using the Lord as my refuge, perfectly comfy under His wing but still trapped from being delivered into my complete freedom. As I saw this I realized that I still needed to journey through my heart to go back to the slave masters of my own personal wars. The things threatening to enslave, imprison, abuse, and torture me. I had to go back to my shame. I had to go back to my places of pain. I had to look them in the eye and forgive them and ultimately forgive myself and allow God to cleanse me from their false accusations and filth. I had to come out from under His wing, take His hand, and allow Him to walk me back to my war...to conquer it.
This is no easy feat and it has taken me time and I am still journeying through. But I am not alone. By my willingness to give time and trust to the Lord, I am allowing the Lord to touch all the places and the things about me I have tried to hide. And day by day, I am, with His help, conquering my wars little by little. I am going back to my slave masters and allowing my true creator show them that my freedom has been paid in full, by the ransom of Christ’s blood. My pain, wars, and experiences have no rights or hold over me. I am being freed, “transfered”, to move forward in who I truly am. Which is being revealed to me a little more everyday. All I have ever known is a Kira covered in shame, a Kira in hiding. Now I am beginning to see and believe in the Kira God intended. The Kira that is ENOUGH...not by anything I have done but by simply accepting, by faith, His redemption. (WOO HOO!!)
If you’ve taken refuge in the Lord, He is pleased to be that for you but do not stay there. Come out from His wing and grab His hand. Allow Him to lead you back to your war and defeat it! That you may be completely released to redemption!
From a refugee to redeemed we shall receive His Kingdom.
Free to be, fearlessly who God has called us to be.
